Legion Prank War
by TheLionTree
Summary: A crack Fic written for the falloutKinkMeme.  This one called for an all out prank war among all of the members of Legion.  Anonymous gets what Anonymous wants.  T for some cursing, but it's pretty goofy silly.  Lanius hates Vanilla.
1. Anthony makes an ugly girl

_I love crack fics? what can i say. the prompt was: **Crack!Prompt: Prank War in the Legion Camp** _

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><p>"She's here my Lord, Courier Six has arrived."<p>

Sitting up in his chair, trying to look regal, Caesar swept his hand and said, "Tell her to enter."

"I'm afraid she's rather shy my lord, just give me a minute," The guard said as he dodged out of the tent suddenly. Caesar raised an eyebrow at the odd behavior.

Wiggling occurred at the tent flap, a loud voice was heard, and thrust into the room was Anthony, wearing a pink dress with lipstick smearing his face. The guard walked in behind Anthony, pushing the Master of the Hounds forward uncomfortably, forcing snickers from the men stationed behind Caesar.

"Lord Caesar," Anthony choked, looking at the man next to him nervously. "I have come here to tell you that I'm ready to shove both bear heads up the NCR's ass, but only if you tell me I'm a pretty girl."

"You're not," Caesar said, hiding a smile. "You're probably the ugliest woman I've ever seen. Couldn't you at least have done me the decency of shaving your legs? I think you might have some nice yams in those shoes, Anthony."

Giggles erupted from behind Caesar, the Praetorians were all in on this farce, one of them having started a prank war ages ago that pulled everyone into it, even there Emperor.

"Listen to you men, you'd think I'd recruited you from Goof Troop," Caesar complained.

Standing from his throne, the Emperor turned to face his rear guards, flashing Anthony and the guards in the front a black smiley face someone had drawn on his head with a marker. Everyone in the front of the tent started to laugh, causing Caesar to turn around and look at them with confusion.

"What is it now?" he asked.

"My Lord," Lucuius chuckled, "Someone drew a smiley face on the back of your head."

"I'm done with this," Caesar said, annoyed. "It's like living at summer camp with a bunch of little girls. Mark my words you'll all pay for this, one way or another."


	2. Vulpes gets butthurt

Awaking from a nap in his tent, Vuples Inculta turned and stretched, grateful for some rest after so many nights away. He shrugged and marveled that he'd been so exhausted he'd forgotten to take his Coyote Head off while he slumbered. Opening the tent flap he stepped out into the sun, a slave turning to look at him bit her lip and scurried off in a hurry. Vuples shook his head, wondering what he had done to illicit such fear from this particular woman, but put no thought behind it.

Walking to the mess area, he took his usual seat across from Alerio, who looked up at him from his plate with an unusual smile.

"Are you doing well, sir," Alerio asked, his perkiness seeming a bit off, seeing how several nights previous to this Vuples had crawled into his tent and placed something the man's bath water that had caused all of the hair on his body to fall off.

Vuple's underling would have had no idea a superior officer would stoop to such grade school pranks, but as he chased his slave out of his tent in anger, he had walked passed Vuples who made a comment: "There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking."

Looking across at Alerio and his oddly happy face, Vuples had a growing suspicion that something was wrong. This was confirmed by the other snickering men at the table and the face of the slave who basically threw Vuples's breakfast at him to go laugh in the corner.

Running his fingers under his Coyote Head to make sure his hair was still present caused the table to finally bust up laughing, causing Vuples's temper to flair. He stood up with a growl, making the hysterics increase as the man tried hard to figure out what was the source of their amusement.

A thought suddenly occurred to Vuples, who plucked the hat from his head, and turned it to face him. The men had taped a hot-red pair of lips under the nose of the Coyote, and somehow managed to affix a pair of large googley eyes over the preserved lids of the pelt.

"This isn't funny," Vuples announced his voice angry. The men of course continued to laugh, spurred on by their leader's butthurt.

"I should have the lot of you crucified," he snapped as he shoved the Coyote skin back on his head, causing one of the eyes to wiggle and make the face look like it had cross-eyes. Even the slaves nearly fell over laughing at him as he stormed off with his pretty puppy head.


	3. Like Water for Lucius

"Lucuis, I need to see you, right now," Caesar called from the inner flap of his tent.

The Praetorian jumped up without a second thought, bursting through the curtain divider for the rooms.

"Now" Caesar said, as two buckets of cold water made contact with Lucius, causing him to stop cold in his tracks.

"I always said you were a bit of a wet blanket, Lucius. That is all," Caesar said, causing the rest of the tent to laugh. Lucius groaned and made his way back to his paper work, vowing to crucify whoever it was that started this awful prank war.


	4. Lanius hates vanilla

"My god damn tent smells like vanilla! I hate vanilla!" Lanius roared at the slaves, guards, and passers buy outside of his makeshift bedroom.

"My lord, I just don't smell vanilla," the slave pleaded, trying not to smile.

"I've looked everywhere to try to find the source of it. I know a lot of people like the way it smells, but I can't stand fucking Vanilla."

"I'm sorry my lord, I'll try to do better when I clean. It's just such a challenge with all the dead bodies and such," The girl said, groveling.

"See that you do," Lanius warned as he stormed back into his tent, leaving the slave out in the dirt to think about the source of the smell.

"That's really terrible," one of the Praetorians in charge of guarding Lanius said to another. "What did you do to make his tent smell like that anyways?"

"Oh. I came across this abandoned drug store in the wastes. It was irradiated, so most people avoided it. I was out of water so I took the risk to see if the store had any. They didn't, but what they did have was about fifty unopened air refreshers. Lanius always bitched about food with vanilla in it, so after he made me beat my best friend to death in a decimatio, I spent most of the evening opening those things and tossing top of his tent."

"Brilliant," the first guard responded, "all I could think to do was put a snake his bead. I found this big fucker getting some water down by the lake. Hope it's not poisonous, not that Lanius would notice."

Almost on cue, Lanius started screaming in his tent. The two guards snickered as the large man, still wearing his mask, busted out of his tent, fighting off a large snake that had wrapped around his neck.

"Opps, guess it was a constrictor," the guard said, as the two men watched their leader fight off the snake, laughing the entire time.


	5. It's in my mouth!

"It works my master, I'm telling you, but you have to be quite so she doesn't wake up." The slave begged the Decanus standing next to her.

"It had better girl. I need to get back at Magnus for putting sand in my breakfast."

The girl nodded and gently placed some Brahmin dung in the sleeping slave's hand. The first slave then picked up a long stick with a feather taped to it, and tickled under the sleeping Slave's nose. This caused the resting slave to lift her free hand up and smack themselves with the Brahmin crap.

The sleeping slave then woke up and asked "What the…GOD…OH GOD…IT'S IN MY MOUTH…"

The slave and the Decanus took off running until they were safely inside of his tent. Patting his slave on the back the Legionary congratulated her, "I think that will teach Magnus a lesson."


	6. Always look on the bright side

Standing under a crucified NCR soldier the two Legionaries on leave gazed at the half dead man. Normally they didn't pay any attention to the dead bodies hanging from the telephone poles, but one of the men could have sworn this body had spoken.

"It said, 'water, I need water,' I swear!"

"Secundus, I think you've lost your mind."

"Eeeeee," The corpse said softly. "Por favor Espanola?"

"Wha…what did it say?" Secudus asked, nervously.

"Always look on the bright side of life," the crucified corpse said, and started to whistle.

Examining the body out of fear, Secundus's friend threw his machete and dislodged a walkie talkie. "Profligate Technology. Stupid prank war, don't they know, no one wins?"


	7. The Final Prank

Courier Six walked lazily up the bank, to the gates of the fort. She arched her head to look at the sky, keen on hearing Caesar's side of things, as she was not very impressed by what the NCR had to offer thus far. As she started into the fort a man stopped her and asked her to surrender he weapons. Nodding with understanding she surrendered her guns and chems, keeping a hold out knife for herself. Watching as the man reached down to open the footlocker he'd store them in; she jumped back as spring coil snakes jumped out of the box and surprised everyone around her.

"Pranksters…" the Legionary cursed as the men around him giggled. The courier said nothing, just raised her eyebrow and continued on her way.

Walking up the hill to the center of the fort, the courier passed a legionary talking to a merchant about how someone had printed a two headed bear wearing party hats on some money. Much to the Courier's surprise the merchant started laughing.

Finally reaching the tent, the guard snickered and told the Courier she'd have to go in alone. Telling her companion and dog to wait outside, she pealed back the flap and entered the tent. Expecting to see Caesar waiting for her inside, the Courier approached the red draped throne with trepidation. She looked around slowly at the empty tent, the shock of being alone for the first times sense Cottonwood Cove settling over her.

"Hello," she called out. No one responded.

Turning to check with the guard outside, the courier screamed and hopped on one foot as Caesar and several Praetorians jumped out and yelled "Boo!"

After she stopped carrying on, Caesar laughed and sat at his throne, "Told you that would get her."

"Wha…where's Benny," the Courier asked, his life being the only thing she could think to talk about.

"Him? Oh he's dead." Caesar then pointed over a tent flap that was pulled aside, revealing Benny lying on the floor stiffly. Horrified, the Courier walked over to kneel next to him, looking for a sign of how he died.

"You robbed me of my revenge," she said to Caesar, turning to look at him. That's when the Courier felt a hand on her lap, and looked over to see Benny smiling at her. She screamed again, jumped up and spun around in a circle.

Once she'd finally calmed down she looked at Caesar, wiggling her finger in the air, and announced, "Fuck you, at least Robert House doesn't have a sense of humor," and stormed out of the tent.

"Jokes on her," Caesar said coyly, "I'm having Cursor Lucullus take her back in that boat that fills half up with water when you use it. He's going to make her bail to keep them afloat all the way to Cottonwood Cove before he tells her the truth."


End file.
